Just for fun

Quote of the Day

"On Saturdays he would type -- ejaculations of clatter after long foreplay of silent agony."

--John Updike, from A Month of Sundays

Funny Games

It was Saturday afternoon. 6 degrees outside. There was a painful lack of something good to watch on television.

Mike began scrolling through On-Demand movies.

I called out ones that looked good:
"Juno!"
"No thanks," he said.
"Jaws!"
"For the 3 millionth time? You can't be serious," he replied.
"Cats in the Womb!"
"You hate insides."


Against my wishes and recommendations, he selected Funny Games. Mike sold me on giving the unknown movie a try by saying, "Has Tim Roth and Naomi 'THE RING!!!' Watts in it. You like Tim Roth."


It started slow, with lots of bright light and white walls and quiet. The camera focused on weird things instead of the actors' faces as the family packed to go to their lake house.


When a strange guest of their neighbor's knocks at the door asking to borrow eggs, everything starts to feel tense and then scary. At this point, we hated the movie and planned to turn it off, but wanted to wait until the scene with the weird guy and the eggs ended.


If you make it that far, you won't shut it off. The tension just gets worse, you feel like you can't breathe. If you like thrillers, this is a good sensation, as painful as it is. You have know what happens next. You need this to make sense or be explained.


This movie is likely to leave you annoyed. Or angry. Possibly scared. You may consider purchasing a gun to defend yourself. Or you may do what we did, which was to discuss the decisions we would want each other to make if we were ever confronted with a situation like the one that results from the egg-borrowing.


I do not recommend starting Funny Games at all, no matter how boring your weekend afternoon may be.

Zombies in Literature

As I may have mentioned in the past, I love spoofs, often more than I love the originals.

This is sure to be the case with this book, which may horrify the literati in more ways than one.



I always felt embarassed that I could barely force myself through Jane Austen. As an English and literature major - and feminist - shouldn't I love her? I plan to give Austen another try when this version releases. I mean, check out this snippet from the summary:

Feisty heroine Elizabeth Bennet is determined to wipe out the zombie menace, but she's soon distracted by the arrival of the haughty and arrogant Mr. Darcy.

I was in a book club whose theme was books that had movie equivalents. We'd get together, talk about the book, then watch the movie and compare. We had a dozen movie versions of Pride and Predujice to choose from, and opted to watch one set in modern times, in a Mormon community in Utah. It was funny, but the threat of zombies would have been better.


Will someone please make a movie from this version of the book?




P.S. - In addition to spoofs, I also love zombies.
P.P.S. - Thanks, Rasimick.

John Updike, 1932-2009

This one hurts. He'll be missed. Probably my second-favorite writer after Steinbeck. I've read his novel The Centaur, about a father & son caught in a blizzard, every December since college -- except this year, when I was distracted by Twilight. I hope my missing a year didn't contribute.

Babies?

Her: I'm trying to get pregnant.
Me: No kidding! Congratulations, that's great. I have so many books to loan you.
Her: Really? Are you thinking of having a baby?
Me: No, it just takes me an incredibly long time to make a decision. I'm in the information-gathering stage. It lasts about 3 years.
Her: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I don't do anything without thoroughly researching it first.
Her: That's such a librarian thing to do.
Me: I'm about the least spontaneous person you'll ever meet.

Change We Can Believe In

President Obama orders Guantanamo closed within one year and restores the phrase "American torture" to the oxymoron it should be.

All in a day's work.

Willard Scott's Birthday Wishes

When Willard Scott presented birthday wishes to a 100-year-old man on the Today show this morning, my first thought was: "That's how Edward Cullen should look - frail and wrinkled."

Big Fat Goalie

Waiting on Layoffs

Him: At this rate, I'll never get fired.

Flyers' "Sign Man"

I loved this article about a long-time Philadelphia Flyers fan, nicknamed the "Sign Man." I love stories about people who become famous for something as simple as holding a sign as a hockey game, about people who become part of the lore of whatever it is they've dedicated themselves to.

An article would not have been written about Sign Man if his message was as commonplace as "Go Team!" or "We love you Big Fat Goalie!"

The article lists the top Sign Man signs of the past almost-four decades. My two favorites are:
1. Ref Chart (copy of an eye chart that reads, as the letters get smaller with each line – “bad call, you’re hopeless”).
2. Start the Bus (as the Flyers are close to clinching a victory).

Old Journal Entries

It hurts her that the boys she spent summers with are now men. Although it makes them stronger, it doesn't make her feel any more protected. In her youth, when she threw glass bottles or hexes, they would close around her, shielding the world until her wind died down.

Then they'd cocoon her in grass clippings and cotton and keep her dress from blowing up past her knees as they carried her home to the house she shared with frogs and fireflies. They let her walk on bare feet over the cold stones to her door.

Sometimes she was radiant and they couldn't help but relax. Other times, she was dull and not really there, like the discarded skin of a lizard. But they'd feed her salt and gin that reminds her of wearing silk on dates in pool halls. But the best thing to do, which none of them knew, was to submerge her in cold vinegar water.

She pushed her tongue against the back of her teeth until they jutted out at grotesque angles. She cannot kiss anymore.

Gift cards are free money!

For Christmas I got a stack of supermarket gift cards, which I've used on my past two grocery-shopping trips. The first round of cards covered all but $29 of the bill. The cashier said, "That's a lot of groceries for $29!" I smiled uncomfortably and noted that the total was in fact more than $170.

The second round of cards covered all but $3 of the second trip. The cashier said, "Nice, free groceries!!" To which I responded, "Um, not quite!" The groceries cost $150, and someone had to pay for it.

I said to Chris, this is why the economy is in the crapper. Because people think if you pay with plastic, it's free.

Inauguration Thoughts. Cont'd.

I wonder if Obama has learned anything since taking the oath that has completely blown his mind. As a senator he would've been privy to various kinds of top-secret information, but I'm talking about major stuff. Area-51 and Roswell type stuff. Stuff like where exactly we got the technology to make Stealth Bombers. Etc. But even less-fanciful things would qualify. Secret bunkers and Manhattan Projects. I wonder if he has had some stone-faced officer stare back at him yet and say, "No, Mr President, we're totally serious."

Snow

When you don't have to worry about getting to work, snow is enjoyable, peaceful and beautiful. Especially when all you have to do is hang out with your friends and watch movies.

Inauguration Thoughts

What struck me the most was the departure ceremony, and seeing how Americans have created a system wherein the most powerful person in the world just walks out the door when his time is up. No fighting, no coups, no bloodshed in our transfers of power. Just a handshake and a wave. Kind of amazing, actually.

Bagels from NJ

This past weekend, a few friends from high school visited. Each of them arrived with a dozen bagels and four varieties of cream cheese. Bagels from New Jersey are our favorite. We worked on eating them throughout the long weekend. We still have over a dozen left.

The visitors also brought a brand of beer that Mike and Jon love, but cannot be found in Massachusetts.

I thought of adding the bagels to a list I keep in my paper journal titled "Things In Which I Heart." Then I considered starting a new blog to chronicle the things that give me joy, like I did with daily photos last year. But I'm not sure a whole new blog is necessary.

So welcome to a new label on Let's Call It Nothing: Maggie's Happy Thoughts. I chose the name because of the Peter Pan reference. I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but I love the story of Peter Pan. Even more than I love a fridge full of New Jersey bagels.

Inauguration Countdown: Git'Mo!

Barely a splash

The man who landed that plane in the Hudson River sure is one hell of a pilot.

And watch the passengers standing patiently on the wings waiting to get picked up. The whole event was a pretty great advertisement for humanity.

Unveilings

U2 released the cover image to their upcoming album, No Line On The Horizon. I love the simplicity of it, however it looks strikingly like the logo of the pompous and ineffective Human Rights Campaign, doesn't it?

In other news, the official White House photo of the next president has been unveiled. Get yours for your mantle while supplies last.

Quote of the Day

"It better be good."

-- Malia Obama on her father's upcoming inaugural address.

In the future...

...we will tell our children about things called newspapers. And they will laugh and call us silly.

Disorder in American Courts

The following few quotes are real exchanges taken down by court reporters. Priceless.

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.

ATTORNEY: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

The Remake of Our Discontent

Thou shalt not remake a James Dean movie. I would've thought that was Filmmaking 101. And yet there's talk of remaking East of Eden. Steinbeck, I like to think, is rolling over in his grave.

Speaking of which, upon finishing Twilight, I knew I had to bring out the big guns to keep me from falling into a literary void of despair. Because what could top it? The guns came in the form of Steinbeck's last novel, saved for just such a moment, The Winter of Our Discontent. Although the bulk of what I've read so far consists of a grocery storekeeper talking to cats and jars of olives, it's more than doing the trick. This is Steinbeck at the height of his skill. It makes me feel like an architecture student marveling at the pyramids.

Roebuck you

Me (watching Sears ad on TV): If as a result of this recession, Sears goes out of business, then at least one good thing will have come out of it.
Him: You're so mean. I love you.

Vox

I'm excited that Bono will be a guest op-ed columnist in the New York Times.

I’m in a crush in a Dublin pub around New Year’s. Glasses clinking clicking, clashing crashing in Gaelic revelry: swinging doors, sweethearts falling in and out of the season’s blessings, family feuds subsumed or resumed. Malt joy and ginger despair are all in the queue to be served on this, the quarter-of-a-millennium mark since Arthur Guinness first put velvety blackness in a pint glass.

I love the way he writes; always have. No matter what it is -- from the rumination on Frank Sinatra (above) to his preface for a book of Psalms -- he writes everything as though he's telling the story at a bar to a group of his mates. Loud, unedited. His sentences are as much, or more, about rhythm and sound as they are about the meaning of the words. Maybe that's why he's such a good lyricist, too.

No exceptions. Cont'd.

Well now.

The Rt. Rev. V. Gene Robinson of New Hampshire, who was elected the Episcopal Church’s first openly gay bishop in 2003, will deliver the invocation for Sunday’s kickoff inaugural event on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, the Presidential Inaugural Committee said. President-elect Obama is scheduled to attend the afternoon event.

I'm impressed and glad. I'll take the Lincoln Memorial, my favorite place in Washington, over wherever Warren is speaking, any day.

No exceptions

"We must adhere to our values diligently and with no exceptions."

--Barack Obama, rebuking the previous administration's policies on torture, and raising America's standards a little in the process.

Twilight meets World of Warcraft

Me (wandering the living room aimlessly): Oh my. Oh man.
Chris (playing computer game): What?
Me: I just read, in Twilight, [spoiler spoiler spoiler]. I'm like overwhelmed. I don't know if I can go on. It's too great. (beat) What's that screaming?
Chris: My peasants are on fire.
Me (leaning over computer): Put them out! What are you waiting for?
Chris: I can't, only the dragon lady can put them out.
Me (sighing): Jacob Black would put them out.

Memories of House-Hunting

Me: Do you remember that blue house near the library?
Mike: Ummmm....
Me: The one with the small backyard but the nice kitchen and the stone walkway?
Mike: The one with the race car bed?
Me: Seriously? That's what you remember?

Work Makes Me Ugly

I am back in the office for the first time since December 23. Today was the first day I've gotten out of bed before 9:30 a.m., and last night was the first time I went to sleep before midnight since my vacation began.

I spent most of the last week of that break at home on the couch, in sweatpants, with oily hair, eating pizza.

And yet in comparison, I feel hideous today. I'm nicely dressed: new sweater, new socks, clean hair pulled neatly back. But I long to be back on the couch in my oversized t-shirt, drumming to Guitar Hero.

I guess beauty is a state of mind?

Time flies

Him: Hard to believe we've been back in Boston for almost 8 months already.
Me: Time flies when you're regaining your sanity.

Monks

Me: Have you tried this jam that the monks made?
Him: No, have you? Does it taste like Jesus?
Me: It's good. It tastes like blueberries and silence.

Me: I should've been a monk. I like to read. I look good in brown. I would've been really good at it.
Him: You would've been awesome.
Me: They have to get up really early, though...

Mad Men: Ben's Take

Maggie was disgusted by the first episode of Mad Men, and I fully agree it will turn your stomach. I thought it was great.

What I think the writers were trying to do is to depict 1960 in such as way as to make it as shockingly alien as possible. To make it seem like a different universe. The sexism in the first episode was indeed over-the-top, but I don't think the show or the writers are sexist -- the viewer is encouraged to be appalled. When it's so bold as to show one secretary telling another, "Men made this typewriter so simple that even a woman can use it!," you gasp.

But you also gasp when the children, playing spaceman, are allowed to run around with plastic bags over their heads. And you gasp when the same children bounce around in the car with no thought given to seat-belt usage.

You gasp over the way the characters talk about race. You gasp when the doctor sparks up a cigarette while examining the patient (you gasp at how everyone, everywhere smokes). You're amazed by how the neighborhood divorcee is treated like an exotic bird (so rare to see someone divorced!) and that the closeted-but-flaming homosexual can keep his secret intact simply by making an occasional lascivious comment about a woman.

You gasp because you feel sure that that's how it probably was back then.

We're accustomed to period pieces doing nothing more than putting costumes on modern-type characters with modern-type values -- it's refreshing when a show goes to such lengths to re-create reality, warts and all. If nothing else, it's a good reminder of how far, how fast, we've come.

And that's all in the first and second episodes. Having established the alienness early, the subsequent episodes are less appalling.

Worst Men's Hair of 2008

In a piece of very hard-hitting journalism, the Boston Globe offers a group of nominees for worst male haircut of the year. Some we can't dispute -- Blagojevich's cut does make him look like a lifesize Lego man). But other nominees are downright puzzling, including everyone's favorite vampire, Robert Pattinson.

I know Maggie didn't particularly go for his 'do, but I think it's hardly one of the worst of the year.

Also, dreads are an easy target, and I'm not a fan of them myself, but Jason Castro's are among the least offensive you'll find. He doesn't belong on the list either.

Gov. Bill Richardson deserves his nomination, for shaving off his beard. He was the last, best chance for facial hair in the Obama administration...

Pooh is Huge

Me: So this guy has a 4-year-old kid, but he didn't know who Winnie the Pooh is.
Him: Things are different today. There is no Pooh.
Me: What are you talking about? Pooh is huge.
Him: He's not on TV. No movies lately.
Me: He needs a better PR team.
Him: Without Tigger he would have vanished 10 years ago. It's Pixar or bust now.

Me: Mike says that I say every little boy I see looks like Christopher Robin. The other day we passed this 4-year-old boy and I said, 'Aw, look at how cute that kid is. He looks like -' and Mike said, 'Christopher Robin? I know. You never shut up about Christopher Robin.'
Him: I hated that guy. He did nothing to advance the story. At least Timmy fell down a well.

Worst Best Man Ever

This was devastating for the bride, I'm sure, but you can't help but laugh.

Lesson: Avoid standing on the edge of something when saying your vows.

Also, a special thank you to the Internet, for bringing these horrible and/or humiliating personal moments to millions of people.