The Ghostwriter

No, not a comic book character... a profession. Would I be a good ghostwriter? I tend to think I would be, especially if it was more on the editing side of things rather than full-on writing from scratch. The ego aspect of having someone else's name on my work wouldn't bother me, I don't think. If my book ever gets published I will almost certainly use a pen name anyway (most likely my first and middle name). God forbid I ever have fans -- who wants random people knowing who you really are? Not me. Of course, they're welcome to a carefully-managed caricature of me that I can present to them at readings and book-signings...

No, I think I'd be a good ghostwriter. I just need to get published a few times on my own to show I've got the chops.

All these yummy flavors

Why does dental floss need to be flavored? Do billy-goats and people with polyphagia choose it over string as the tastier snack?

For that matter, why does every hygiene product known to humanity need to be flavored? Shampoo that smells like mountain sunshine; honeysuckle bodywash; icy blast deodorant; hair stuff that smells like coconut; hand soap smelling of coffee and bananas; eucalyptus shaving cream -- the combination of it all gives the impression that the wearer has tumbled into the perfume kiosk at Macy's. It's a smell cacaphony.

Indecision

I like reading books that blow me away. Indecision, which I got from the library last week, is one of those. I remember when the book came out last year and I grumbled about having been beat to a post-college life-languishing story, and by another Ben, too -- this one a Kunkel. The similarities end with that most basic premise though, and Ben Kunkel deserves all those write-ups he got in the NY Times when his novel came out.

There isn't a plot to speak of (the typical McSweeney's-inspired voice of generation whatever-we-are), but this Ben has a knack for bundling major life commentary into neat little sentences. My favorite so far (and I wish I had the book in front of me so I could quote), was about how Kunkel's main character, Dwight, has for years mistaken all the hustle and bustle of his hometown NYC for actual life movement. In a twist on Hemingway's famous warning, "Don't mistake motion for action," Dwight is cautioned not to mistake the city's commotion for his own.

It's such an easy mistake to make, really. One I've probably been making myself for a while. Boston has surged up around me in the seven years I've lived here. It's so easy to think of new buildings and new stores, new condos and new restaurants as proof that you're actually going somewhere. But I realize that the new building beside the Pru, although it changes the skyline, doesn't really have an effect on me. And a new streetlight doesn't make me a better person, or even a different person.

I don't know what happens to Dwight, whether he'll pull himself together. I'm only half-done with the book. I don't know what happens to me, either, except that I'm going to pack up and go mistake some other city's commotion for my own, for a while.

Google Notebook

Has anyone else discovered this yet? Google has a habit of stealthily releasing beta programs and services, and Notebook is the best one yet (second to Gmail, of course).

In simplest terms, it's a net-based bookmark file. Excellent for people using more than one computer. Often in my browsings at work I'll stumble across an interesting website. How then should I remember the address for when I get home? In the past, it has always meant emailing myself links -- a process that's inefficient, at best. Now, with Google Notebook, I just right-click on anything -- links, pages, pictures -- select "Note this," and it gets popped into a little window via a browser extension. Then I can sign into Notebook at home and have my day's stumblings instantly available. Genius.

Batwoman likes girls

So the new Batwoman is a lesbian.

DC Comics says the character, who was brought in originally in 1956 as Batman's love interest, will be reintroduced as a lesbian as part of an effort to diversify its superhero roster. Kane is open about her sexuality with her friends, but has not come out to her family, executive director Don Didio said.

Cool. (Note to CNN, though: It's Dan Didio, not Don. Get it right or pay the price!)

What gets me is the QuickVote poll on the CNN main page. The question is "Should the sexual preferences of comic strip superheroes remain a secret?" A whopping 61% of voters said "yes."

Um, hello? Are people saying that superheros should be neuter? Should there be no Lois Lane for Superman? No Vicki Vale for Batman? No Steve Trevor for Wonder Woman? Give me a frickin break. No one's suggesting that Batwoman will be shown performing comic book cunnilingus, but I think we can handle some same-sex romance in between her kicking supervillains' butts.

But just when you thought a lesbian Batwoman was as bad as it can get... the new Blue Beetle? He's Latino.

God help us.

My Theory on Time Travel

If time travel were ever going to become available in the future, it would also be available now and yesterday. Why? Because even if the secrets of time travel are unlocked 1000 years from now, the technology, like all technology, would eventually become cheap enough to mass-market. Everyone would have his or her own personal time-travel device, the same way everyone now has a computer.

With average joes and janes traveling back and forth through time as easily as we go to Disney World or even the supermarket, and with money to be made by big companies from selling time machines to people of every preceding generation, time would not exist as we know it. Time would be like a highway, where you can get on and off at any exit. We wouldn't think of time as linear, but rather as no more than a location. "My friend Bob lives in the 17th century," you might say.

The fact that time is linear is proof that time travel will never be available to us. But if there are theories about how to do it, doesn't it make sense that, given enough time (500, 1000, 5000 years even), time travel should become possible? That it's never invented is proof that humankind simply isn't going to be around long enough to invent it.

Thus humanity will end.

In summary, since time travel doesn't exist now, it will never exist, which means we aren't around long enough to discover it.

Discuss.