Bridesmaid Contract

We've been discussing the possibility of getting married. I asked Mike's little sister, who is a year younger than me, if she'd be my bridesmaid. She said:

I will accept under the following conditions:
1. The wedding is on a Saturday (I'm very busy on other days).
2. I am allowed to dedicate a Bloodhound Gang song to you at the reception (a romantic one like "you ain't got no legs" or "yummy down on this").
3. I am escorted down the aisle by a unicorn and 6-8 black men.

I told her:
1. I can accommodate the Saturday part. I wouldn't get married on any other day of the week.
2. You can dedicate any song you want to me.
3. Loved the David Sedaris reference, but I don't know any black men well enough to ask them to be part of my wedding (I blame my Sparta upbringing for that). However, if you'd like to take charge on this, I'm okay with it.
The unicorn part is crucial, even if it's just one of those toy stick horses that we glue a styrofoam horm to.

My requirements for you:
1. Wear something wildly inappropriate, even if it's just the color or some really absurb accessory.
2. Get really drunk and ask attendees if they have any pot. [[Note: this is a reference to her over-the-top behavior at this year's neighborhood Christmas party]]
3. Give speech in which you draw a metaphor between a puppy and life.

She seemed okay with it and said:
I am fully prepared to follow your wishes.
1. As for inappropriate dress, I was thinking something along the lines of R&B/Hip hop star (possibly Lil' Kim style circa 1999) or just a very large floppy hat.
2. I already planned to be very drunk, and asking for pot seems like second nature, so that will probably happen whether you like it or not...I'll try to keep the requests to people over the age of 11.
3. My speech will definitely involve a metaphor between a puppy and life, and include references to Chuck Norris and windmills.


And that's why I want her to accompany me up the aisle.