Warts

Warts are caused by some kind of virus that never goes away. I'm not sure what determines when or where they appear, though.

I had three warts over the course of middle school and high school. Wart #1 was on the lowest pad of the middle finger of my left hand. It didn't bother me much self-esteem-wise because it wasn't very visible, but I played with it with my thumb the way a man strokes the secret place where the wedding band he "accidentally" left in the soapdish belongs.

But wart #2 bothered me. It was on my right pinky at the base of the nail. I hated that one. The hands of the girl down the street, who lived on a farm and who was always kind of dirty, were covered with warts. She had a cute smile but her hands were the hands of fairy-tale villains. I didn't like that we had warts in common. I was careful to always have a fist.

Warts #1 and #2 lasted for years and then magically went away. The third I discovered in history class my junior year of high school. I recognized the signs immediately. First it feels as though you have a sliver, but when you examine up close for the offending bit of wood, you see tiny bubbles of wart-material instead. It was on the fleshy web between the thumb and pointer finger of my right hand. I had that one for a long time, too. Before college, a place at which I wanted to arrive new and pristine, I did some home-remedy research. I read that rubbing lemon juice into the wart was supposed to dissolve it.

I raided the fridge for the plastic lemon of juice we kept for the rare occasions when fish was served at my house, and squirted it liberally into my hands (having a bittersweet lick or two in the process). In a few days wart #3 got white and disappeared. A short time later lemon juice aborted the fetus of what would've been wart #4.

I haven't had any warts since high school. I almost wish I would get one so I'd have an excuse to use that Freez-Away wart remover, with the liquid nitrogen, which they advertise on television. I think it would be really fun to play with. In fact, I'm tempted to get it anyway and try freezing a freckle.