Twilight: Career Suicide

Me: I'm reading about how they've finally landed a director for Breaking Dawn. Either they're paying him a shitload of money or he's looking to commit career suicide.
Maggie: Hahaha. You need to blog that line.

Twilight: Team Jacob

Taylor Lautner won Favorite Actor at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards yesterday.

BREAKING NEWS: He won the same award at the Ladies Who Could Be His Mom's Choice Awards and the Homos Pushing Thirty's Choice Awards!

Twilight: Purchasing New Moon

Saturday, March 20. The warmest day of the year so far. Ben and Maggie set out from their homes for one purpose: to locate New Moon on DVD and get out of the store with it while drawing as little attention to their quest as possible.

Ben: I possess New Moon.
Maggie: Me too! As of 20 minutes ago. I wish they didn't have the display in the front of the store.
Ben: I strolled by the display and grabbed a disc and then walked a few aisles over to read the features. I opted for the 2-disc special edition.
Maggie: I went back and forth between Best Buy and Barnes and Noble three times trying to decide which had the best price for which version.
Ben: There was a 3-disc version, but I thought: Let's maintain some dignity here.
Maggie: I tried to get an aisle with a female cashier to no avail.
Ben: I bought enough other things to make New Moon look like a spur-of-the-moment grab.

Twilimericks: In the Name of Lautner

Jacob Black has long brown hair;
it's pretty much all that he wears.
As if he couldn't be cuter,

he's a big-time U2-er!
I read that and swooned off my chair.

Jasper v Edward; Edward v Jacob

Oh, Jasper, what's with your hair?
And that desperate, creepy glare?
I thought the coif would be better
and you'd look like less of a fretter
but next to Edward, you still don't have a prayer.

Most girls think Edward's a hero
but Ben and I think he's a zero
Jacob makes him look drab
(did you see those abs?)
his scenes made us hoot and cheer-0

Worst Twilight Merchandise

We've all seen the TrueBlood drinks and the Twilight jewelry but this article rounds up bizarre outliers in the world of vampire merchandise. An Edward Cullen shower curtain? Really?

Most hilarious (or frightening) is the Twilight Dildo, which sparkles in sunlight. Natch. The article goes on to say:

"The real craziness comes from the product description, which touts both its "deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the moon's soft glow" and the fact that it "retains hot and cold temperature," so you can "toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience," thus selling it on the strength of how accurate it is to a corpse's wang. That's right, folks: This may in fact be the first sex toy to be marketed directly to the amateur necrophiliac."

Quote of the Day

"I’m kind of a paranoid wreck."

--Robert Pattinson, everyone's favorite movie vampire, apparently not enjoying the trappings of heartthrob insta-fame. Who can blame him?

Twilight vs. Transformers

Him: Twilight is junk.
Me: Well I think Transformers is junk, how does that make you feel?
Him: Makes me feel like you're wrong.

New Moon: The Trailer

Me: Ugh. I was praying they'd use real wolves.

Him: It wouldn't be Twilight without shitty graphics.

See it for yourself here.

Twilight Poems: Victoria and James

Victoria lost her mate
She plotted revenge fuelled by hate
She couldn't stay calm
So she went to the prom
To scout out Edward and his date
-Maggie

Victoria lost her mate James
Who she met on the shore of the Thames
From Forks to Phoenix James tracked
Then got killed when the Cullens attacked...
Yet somehow it's Bella she blames?
-Ben

Now Vic follows Bella around
Even on her night on the town!
She did up her hair
And found a nice dress to wear
But she had to go alone because her mate is dead those fucking vegetarian vampires I'm going to kill you and that succulent bitch human of yours.
-Ben

Twilight Summary in Comic Form

This is the funniest mockery of Twilight I've seen. The summary of all four books is hill-arious.

Twilight Poems: New Conversions

A few friends hadn't read the book
So I suggested that they take a look
Now they're obsessed
I'm sure that you guessed
forbidden fruit provides quite a nice hook.

A few of them saw the flick first
and fell in love with Edward's blood thirst
now that they've read the series
we're swapping our theories
but since we're older, we feel like perverts.

Twilight Cookbook

I am an unlikely person to say this (especially after the recent limericks), but a Twilight Cookbook? Really? I detest movie tie-in merchandise.

I stopped in Hot Topic this weekend to pick up an AC/DC t-shirt, and was shocked to see the multitude of Twilight merchandise. Thankfully no bobble-heads, but plenty of t-shirts, stickers, posters, fake fangs, keychains, and jewelry.

As we stood at the register, Mike said, "Can I buy you a Twilight t-shirt?"

And I slouched to hide from the cashier, wishing he hadn't said anything. "No!" I said, pretending like the thought was beyond ridiculous.

Mike seemed confused that I rejected his offer. He knows I've watched the movie eight times so far. But seriously, let's not talk about it in public.

Twilight Poems: Edward Meets Charlie, Officially

Edward said, "Baseball will be fun,
And I'll bring her right home when we're done."
If he knew Bella smelled delicious,
Charlie would've been more suspicious
and done a lot more than clean that old gun!

Twilight Poems: Just Do It

Edward stirs a feeling that lingers
All Bella can do is make zingers
Bella wants sex
It's not that complex!
But Edward says not till he blings her.
-Ben

There once was a girl named Bella
her coordination wasn't too stellar
until her husband bit her
after he finally did her...
Oh man, he is one sexy fella
-Maggie

Twilight Poems: Mean to Charlie!

Bella "needed tests in Atlanta"

So her parents sent her a plant-a

The card said Get Well

Bella thought: Go to hell

Then she played with her secret infant-a

Twilight Poems: Hot & Heavy

Edward and Bella got heated
On her bed, which my mind has repeated
But Stephenie didn't like it
So Catherine said, "Strike it."
It's too bad that scene was deleted!

Twilight Poems: The Volturri's Hypocrisy

They claim to have no toleration
For exposing vampirization.
But at home it seems silly
How they feed willy-nilly!
Ate thirty tourists there on vacation!


-Ben

Twilight Poems: How to Kill a Vampire

Bella quickly learned
that even vampires can end up in an urn.
They can be killed
if you have the will:
just tear the body apart, and then burn

The tracker James is a beast
and he tries to make Bella a feast
but Edward said no,
set a fire aglow
and tore him apart piece by piece!


-Maggie

Twilight Poems: New Moon movie

I wonder if I'm going to cry
When in New Moon, Edward says, "Bye"
When Bella sinks to the ground,
I bet my tears will fall down.
I hope the next 6 months fly!