Phone calls from Vermont

Wednesday: "Maggie, I was walking with Cannoli and Delilah back by the beaver pond and Cannoli got quilled in the face by a porcupine! Dad wanted to pull out the quills with pliers but I called Gary and we brought the dog up to his house and he pulled them out with pliers. Dad was so annoyed."

"Is he okay?"

"Who?"

"Cannoli."

"Yeah, he just seems sore."


Friday: "Maggie, Gary was on his way to work at 4:30 this morning and he saw the porcupine, so he pulled over and got out of the car and shot him!"

"How do you know it was the same porcupine? Aren't they everywhere at this time of year?"

"Oh it was the same guy. TRUST me. Gary took pictures, I'm going to forward them to you."

"I don't want to see pictures of a dead animal that didn't need to be killed."

"I'm sending them! Bye!"

What I meant is I'm having an allergic reaction

Me: Well, if it makes you feel any better, my face is the size of a pumpkin.
Brother: Yeah, I've seen you before. Why would that make me feel better?

Football Tickets

Him: I should go to church Sunday and beg for season tickets.
Me: It's "pray" not "beg for."
Him: Whatever, they both happen on your knees.

Romance Novel Delusions

Me: I am feeling creatively antsy. And financially anxious. I should crank out a romance novel. Those sell well.
Brother: Totally. You can photoshop my face on someone else's body for the cover.

My Darling Brother #2

Me: I feel like my hair is my only positive physical feature. Without that, I'd have nothing.
Him: Right, I mean, let's not even get started on that nose of yours.

My Darling Brother

Brother: What's that thing in turkey that puts you to sleep?
Me: Tryptophan.
Brother: I literally remembered that just as my phone buzzed. So thanks for nothing.

Overheard in the Neighborhood

Mom to kid:

"I know you told Santa but maybe you should tell me too."

A new band

Me: Can I be your new bassist?
Mike: Well, can you PLAY bass?
Me: No.
Mike: Then no.

Elephants Never Forget

Brother: Elephants are lucky, you know.
Me: And they never forget.
Brother: That's actually a myth.
Me: I don't know... I've read some books.
Brother: Read a few more.

Moving Out

Me: That's it. I'm moving out.
Him: Leave the food. Take the cats, otherwise the cats are food.

Phone Call Home

Me: Hey, Dad, what's up?
Dad: The railroad is coming through Walnut Grove and no one is happy about it.
Me: Are you watching Little House on the Prairie again?

Dinner

Me: I just made an unfortunate burrito.
Brother: Aren't they all

Planning a Trip to Scotland

Me: Apparently George Orwell spent time on the island we're going to visit. He wrote 1984 there.
Him: The Van Halen album?

A New Jersey Driver in Vermont

Me: Can you please stop tailgating this guy?
Mom: If I must.

Doe Camp

My mother is the opposite of me. When we arrived at Doe Camp yesterday and went into the hall for lunch, I said, "Ooh, there's an empty table back there."

"What are you nuts?" she said. "Let's go sit with those three ladies, they look interesting."

"But Moooooom, can't we sit alone?"

"Don't be such a wuss, we're here to meet new friends!" she said and settled in between the ladies, and immediately asking where they were from, if this was their first Doe Camp, and if they were taking archery that afternoon.




Later....

"No one asked me for my number," she said, making an exaggerated frowny face.
"So ask them for their email address so you can get together," I suggested.
"Doesn't that make me look like a loser?"
I sighed. "If everyone thought that way, no one would ever make new friends. See if that lady from archery would want to hike with you."
She looked at me doubtfully.
"I feel like I'm coaching you on dating or something," I said.
"You're right. Forget it. Let's have another piece of cake."

Quote of the Day

"I’m kind of a paranoid wreck."

--Robert Pattinson, everyone's favorite movie vampire, apparently not enjoying the trappings of heartthrob insta-fame. Who can blame him?

Lunchtime Arrangments #2

Ben:
Lady Magatha,
--Writing to inquire about our lunch status. Are we still on? What would you like to eat? I am craving the vegan soup but will gladly venture over there if you'd prefer a burrito.
Sir Benedict

Maggie:
S.B.,
I implore your forgiveness for my lack of responsiveness. For shame, my anti-wrinkle cream has burned my skin and I have been distracted all morn.
I too am craving a vegan feast but need to restock my face wash supply in the mall. I am at in impasse. Let me consider for a few moments.
Or, I am happy to have you decide.
Yours, Magatha

Ben:
As one who understands the importance of face-wash, I would never wish to place an obstacle between you and the re-stocking of your supply. Thus I shall meet you around Back Bay at 1:09.
We can then shop and dine.

Maggie:
Forgive my wavering, but I think I might prefer to dine in the quieter vegan establishment, as we have much to discuss. Is that acceptable?
I can meet you at 1 if this plan is to your liking.

Ben:
I delight in your wavering and in your offer to partake of a menu of scrumptious soups and fantasy meats.
I will look for you here at 1:00.

Maggie:
Oh Tortlemain, my dear Torti! You are ever the gentleman.
Thank you for your kindness.
We shall sup on soup!
Magatha

Quote for the Day

I was scarred for life for a year!

--Paula Abdul on her encounter with Bruno.

Overheard on the T

My husband had the kids at the grocery store and I guess some woman told him "Ooh, their skin is such a nice color." And my husband said, "Thanks, well my wife is black." And the woman said, "Oooh, so that makes them Hispanic?" And my husband was like, "Not exactly..."

Quote for the Day

Her boyfriend wears dresses. She was telling me. She came home one day and he was chilling in a polyester house dress. He said, "Look what I got today."

--Anonymous